Do we need infatuation to find LOVE?
One of the benefits of having alot (and I mean alot) of married girlfriends is the point of view of so many in a committed relationship. (some with men, but, not all.)
I posed the question to several friends about dating, (when they were single, up teen years ago) and several said the same thing and about 40% said something that I never expected. Yes! and No! The dividing factor for the decision was not experience or exposure, but, age. At what age they met their mate. Now, I will find someone who will probably say "That's not true". But, when using the sample set (these ladies), it was based on the age that they and their spouse were at which was one end of the spectrum or another.
The women who answered, Yes! Were in their 20's or early 30's when they met their spouse. Lust, attraction of physical aspects and infatuation were mandatory for them to fall in love and want to marry or choose that spouse. Looking at any underwear model or a scantly clad, let's say, David Beckham, and most heterosexual females would agree that the physical attraction is very important. Now a anthropologist would argue that the female sex would be looking for the best mate available so that her off spring were the best possible mix for survival, health, etc. I find that genetic code starts to change when bearing children is no longer a necessity and women are looking for a mate just for them. I don't think her standards are less, but, I think that she or we as women don't require the trappings of chiseled abs and 7% body fat. Don't get me wrong, it is nice, but, when you turn over 40, you find other things to be more important.
As our surveyed women in the 20 to 30 year old range required the rock hard body or chiseled face, the women that I interviewed that were over 35 to 50 were looking for something totally different, or at least rearranged the list so that the rock hard body and looks were nice, but, knew that in a few years as they had watched their own body change, that would not be as important as the other features that a man can bring to a relationship. Kindness, caring, honor of her as a person and the very important cuddling factor.
"No," said my first 50 year old friend. "It is not that important. But, friendship, honesty and steadfastness, is." For a minute I felt as if I was in a Bible epic. "steadfastness" is a word that I rarely hear in today's society, but, yet holds true in this woman's mind and I was starting to think that way as well. Her need for a unwavering man whom is attached to her and firmly established in who he is and his commitment to a relationship. After 50 so many men want a "date me forever", but, don't live with me situation which for women, is not worth the time. If they are going to commit to a "relationship" it is a joint one. "After a while the sex at one person's house with the exit that evening or the next morning gets old and I started feeling like a hooker with dinner or a show as payment." " Not the girlfriend or partner that I wanted to be seen as in his eyes." "Hot bodies are great, but, hot minds are better". "and a great friend and lover is the best but, looking like George Clooney is not necessary". "The best lovers I have had were not the men with rock hard abs or wavy hair." "Those men were the ones who were eye candy, but, were out the door to the next conquest, before I was done orgasming!" "She laughed hard and strong at the memory". I wished that I could laugh that hard about some of my past lovers!
My one friend who is in her early 70's is also a friend of my mother. Ok, my mom is a 1950's we don't talk about this stuff woman and as long as she and I don't talk about this "stuff" we are cool. When I approached our mutual friend I was happy to hear that she no longer held that kind of mindset. She was open as her husband had died 10 years ago and as a widow she was a hot commodity! She is vibrant, low maintance and is still in her home and drives herself to church, shopping, dinner etc. Her concerns were more of "is he still with it and can he kiss!" (Ok, all of them wanted a kisser that matched their style). But, I digress. She was looking for a man who was mentally vibrant as she and would care for her and treat her kindly. (open doors, be gentle during sex and yes, she intended to have sex! modified for her preferences of course.) When I asked her about steadfastness, she agreed as well. "Men should be ready for a relationship". "I have to wait until they are over the death of their wives before I even go out with them. And I tell them so!" By the way, she is dating a 65 year old gentleman now. He gave her a engagement ring last week. "ROCK" is a very descriptive word for his gift. When I saw them at a restaurant a few days ago, he was so gracious to her, chair, coat and opening the door so she could exit the venue. When I left them at the car, she leaned over to me and said "infatuation/lust or desire don't really end, they are modified to be what you need them to be."
I returned to my house and thought about what I really wanted in a relationship as I am approaching 50. Yes, it is not that far away. As a single woman, I envy my friends whom have long term, stable relationships with the family nearby that are cooperative in being active grandparents. I remember my GF's sitting around a table with me when I first got divorced and them telling me how exciting it must be to have sex with another man now that I was divorced. How I wanted to tell them that it was just down right scary. The steadfastness of the man I trusted was gone. He no longer could be trusted and I one day was going to have to try to trust again. It took me time and yes, my heart was broken again. But, as I think of what all these women wanted it seemed to gel in my mind that they deeply all wanted what all women want in a partner. That "steadfastness" and certainty of commitment to her. Honor her, respect her in public and private and if she is lucky, he might be good in bed too! The willingness to be steadfast should not be overlooked as well. It does take two to tango and you need to want to dance with this person and want it every day or at least every week?
Is Infatuation needed for love to be? Maybe not. But, the ideal initial attraction might not be the thrill that we felt in our 20's of kissing that hunk behind the bleachers. But, the ideal man now (for women over 40), might be the one whom takes you home and makes you secure in knowing that he will be there tomorrow. That might be the best thrill of all.
P.S. I know that many poo poo the state of marriage. Alas this joke: Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade! But when you put down your marriage and what faults it might have, remember that for every one of you whom has a guy who is faithful, honors you and kisses halfway decent. There are 2 women out there, whom have no man at all and would love to clone yours.
